(I first want to say im sorry that this is probably hard to read, I dont care about making it look that pretty, im already upset writing all this down, sorry if there is any mistakes) Hi, so, so much has happened since I wrote in my diary on here, ill basically go through the list in order, I dont know the specific dates for anytying unless specified. Im dating my best friend of atm 9 years? around there prob, idk if I mentioned it, weve been together for a little over a year as im writing this. We only knew eachother online till recently, I went to visit her for a week, then like two months later i think it was, she came to visit for a week, then next month im gonna come stay for a week and a half. We got engaged aswell, there wasnt any specific date for it since we came to a gradual agreement upon it, but she plans to get me a ring soon. I know its kind of crazy to be engaged to someone only a year after dating, but I def would NOT be doing that if I didnt know her for as long as I have. But honestly whoever is reading this is gonna think its crazy after what im about to type. Basically, our relationship was practically perfect, im in love and engaged to my childhood bestfriend, who ive basically had a crush on since we met, and ive always wanted to be with. Shes hopelessy devoted to me and we revolve our whole lives around eachother. Its basically the same for her aswell, had a crush since we met and always wanted to be with, hell, she didnt even date anybody because she is so attached to me and could never imagine herself ever being with anyone else. The only flaw in our entire relationship was our obsessiveness with eachother, and maybe the fact she gets upset easily and I tend to cause that unintentionally. I think you probably get what im about to say, I complain to her about all the horrible things my ex has did to me, over and over to her, I cried over text saying I was so glad to be with her because she would be different than every single relationship ive had in the past, I know she would never cheat on me. Guess what happened last month? I found out shes been cheating on me for god knows how long. It was a whole thing, let me preface what I mean by cheating though, she didnt go out and fuck another person or anything or was messaging people, she was lusting over naked women, watching porn, listening to sexual anime asmr. That kind of stuff, I know to some horrific people this isnt "cheating" but I made it VERY clear to her that I didnt want her doing that, exactly what she ended up doing. I literally told her about the ways my ex cheated on me, she agreed that it was horrible how he treated me and everything he did, just for her to the same damn thing he did. Before I found out, she would cry to me over text, saying she feels just like my ex, and that she thinks shes a horrible person. I feel disgusted because I comforted her, I thought she was just overreacting, she usually does and I dont mind it, ill always be here for her, I didnt think in the slightest that she could be crying over her cheating on me.. Why would I ever think that my fiancee, who is so hopelessy in love with me, extremely attached to me, would commit suicide if I left, or if I die, or if I was never here, she hasnt dated another person ever, she isolates herself, im her only friend out of one other person, she is EXTREMELY attached to me. Why would I ever think that someone like that would cheat on me??? but I started to think about it more, and of course, shes a depressed loner with no friends who has never felt the touch of another woman besides her family (no like i mean that literally) like it was so obvious something like this would happen, I was so blinded by my love, and I still am, im still with her after everything. Basically though, the day before she was leaving to go home (she was visiting me) I looked thru her phone just cause, ofc not expecting to find porn, but I found it, she knew I found out but we didnt talk about it till right before she left, I layed in bed with her crying over everything, I felt worthless and I was already planning to kill myself. I dont even remember the conversation, just that she was sorry and she would be better, she would never do it again. She gets home, she gives me access to her phone and computer to look at anytime thru some remote vieiwing app. I look through it, I find her cheating on me AGAIN the same day or day after our convo. idk when specifcally. This is when I find all the sexual asmr though. I confront her about it and I dont even remember the conversation anymore, my brain likes to remove anything super negative and traumatizing, thats why I dont remember so much, and also in general, but anyways.. but I confront and insult her about it cause wtf do u mean ur listening to sexual anime girl mommy goth asmr, that is such LOSER shit like omfg u cannot be serious. IM being so fucking fr rn when I saw that in her history i was like "this must be a joke" because like what??? until I looked more and it was EVERY SINGLE DAY she was listening to this, sometimes MUILTIPLE a day. I felt so disgusted after that, she was probably listening to this shit while we talked, and while I gave her affection over text. before I found the asmr, we had a talk that im NOT giving her a second chance, I told her I would kill myself, I cant deal with this happening every single relationship I get into, over and over, when the most important thing in life to me is loving and being with someone. (ik its not right to say what I said, I was basically threatening her with suicide, idk what to say about it, ik its terrible but I wanted her to feel guilty after everything she did, and im not lying either, I cant handle it if this kind of thing happens again. I wanted to make sure she would never treat me like shit again) anyways it took me awhile to trust her again, I still go thru her stuff like every few days. I havent found anything, I just pray that she actually isnt cheating on me. Im praying that she isnt just hiding it really well. Our relationship has got better, I think I trust her again. Its almost okay again. Shes been so close to suicide recently though, it feels like its every other day. I can tell she thinks about dying every day, mostly for what she did to me, she wants to kill herself to attone for it. She said that herself. Ive had to talk her out of dying maybe like 3 times? I dont know, its again with the memory. There was one recently, just maybe 2 days ago? It was tramuatic. For context, we are always on call, like 24/7, when we sleep and even when we shower. We started calling when she got home after cheating on me. 2 days ago, I had to get off call to go to the store with my dad, I thought everything was okay, she seemed to be fine and happy so I wasnt worried about leaving for an hour or two, I get home and message her a bunch, and send her images of what i got from the store. She is ignoring me, and I started to get worried, she started posting vague posts on her priv that made it seem like she was about to kill herself, and I had to keep calling her and beg her to call me back, and we get on call and she wont tell me whats she doing, even though I obviously know already, I ask her like 100 times until finally she tells me she is messing with some rope and tying a noose, and I freak out of course, I literally ran to get my moms phone to try to call her dads company number, because I dont have her parents numbers yet, I have no idea if it would of even worked, if they would answer on that line, and they were like an hour or more away from home. She literally posts a pic of her with a noose around her neck talking about it, she ends up asking me some weird question and im responding to it and its taking awhile, because its alot to explain. I end up hearing some loud noise from her phone and freak out because it honestly sounded like she kicked something over and I thought "This is it, shes dying" and I freak out and beg for her to respond and she kind of yells at me to "hold on" while there is a bunch of loud noises going on and I hear another noise shortly after that sounded like the first and I just start sobbing because in my mind she is hanging herself, and all the noises is her kicking whatever she was standing on and maybe she was flailing around and struggling, but she finally texts me she was just putting the rope away, and I just start sobbing again out of relief and sadness. I was shaking so bad through this entire thing. Basically though, she was trying to kill herself because of me, because of my eating disorder, she suspects im fallig back into it based off what I bought. I dont know if I ever mentioned I have anorexia on here. It started roughly around april 2024. I feel terrible but I am falling back into it, I dont want to recover, it really affects her and it makes me feel so terrible, I lied to her about it. I made excuses for the food I bought. Honestly, I did eat normally for a day, after her attempt, but im falling back into it again already. I feel so fat and disgusting, im not even joking but my thighs are disgustingly big, and my belly sticks out, I just want to lose weight to atleast where im skinny. I am really short, under 5ft, so of course I look fucking huge and fat because of my height, but my partner doesnt see that somehow and keeps telling me over and over that im not fat or huge or anything and that she likes my body. I know she is just lying about it so my ed doesnt get worse, I dont really blame her though for not telling me the truth. Sometimes its just better to lie to people about certain things to protect their feelings. I like being short honestly, people think its cute, but im starting to hate it, tall people get to be skinnier so much easier. The other day though, my partner told me that she likes the way my body jiggles when I move, it was endearing but I started to think about it more and more and it just further proves how fat I am. I hate it. I cant even wear clothes I enjoy anymore because I just feel disgusting and chubby in them. I just want to be comfortable in my body, im starting to think the only way is to lie about my ed. I feel horrible about it, I never ever lie to my partner about anything, even small things. I ended up lying though because I was so scared she would kill herself if she knew the truth. I feel like its too late to go back on it now. I didnt know where to mention this last thing, but im moving in with my fiancee, were getting married before I move in, it should be early this year if everything goes right