(sorrymy thoughts are jumbled in this log) hi i of course havent wrote anything in forevre,, i have lots to talk about,,, i am with my best friend now,, they are planning to visit this year,,, i had a really bad experience while high the other night,,, just lots of little things that will get their own moment later,,, anyways i feel like such a terribe person,,!!!!! for deeper reasons i shouldnt express on the internet,, maybe i should go get help,,, i never know what really matters anymore,, i feel like i cannot express my thoughts and everything is out to get me,,, i really want to hurt myself,, im not even particulary upset about anything but i just feel like it,,, i know i really shouldnt and probably wont end up doing that,, its kind of addictive and honestly i do love hurting myself,,, i am in a weird mood right now and jealous or something,, i keep having mean thoughts but i always have mean thoughts,, i try to push them away though because i love my gf more than anything and i want to make mayself belive it forever and ever,,, i find myself not caring tfor the people around me,, "do things really matter? we all will die and forget things, this is just one life i happen to known,," i have trouble keeping people close or just caring,, i think about the world sa a whole and how in the end my life doesnt matter and the people i know lives dont matter either,, my actions will never really matter in the end unless they are greatly signifigant and im not some important person or anything,, so it doesnt matter,, i feel like i should just do what i want,, but i feel like i am a bad and mean person so i should keep everything away and i try to be nice for only the sake of my appearence, i catn really seem to care about anyone. Sometimes though, at moments i care way to much about my lovers, i get obsessive to a bad point but other times i just dont care, i feel bad for how i am and neither side is good,, i dont know what to think or do about that,,